Urban Redevelopment
Since I've been on my own again my sleep cycles have continued to be totally out of whack. Last night, for example, I couldn't sleep and stayed up until after 5am. According to my "biorhythm" widget the last few weeks have been ones of high emotion and low physical strength. Seems about right.
But on those sleepless nights the mind starts running and even various distractions can't derail it from its course. I have a vision for how I think I'd like my life to be and I've been spending time thinking about how you can get there. I alternatively praise and berate myselfe for doing this. On one hand, I wouldn't have achieved some of the success I have without striving towards something beyond what I already was. I've never been very good at the "accept yourself for who you are" line of arguements. This works pretty well on a professional level, but seems more elusive for me in the personal realm.
Lately I've been questioning the underlying vision of what I think I want from my relationships and just where it all came from. This isn't the first time I've done this, but like other bad habits it takes constant work. The one thing I keep coming back around to is that I really have little control over the whole picture. What I do have control over is how I comport myself in these contexts. The last yaer has been one of good exploration, but it has also been marked with tremendous failures on my part. I'd like to believe I'm learning from these failures, but, like generals who are fighting the last war, I worry about applying lessons learned in the wrong places. In love there is tension between surrendering to the passion and the euphoria, and being the responsible, mature partner that I want to be.
Professionally I've found that I couldn't have planned to get where I am, or where I'm going for that matter. But I've seen the opportunites and taken them to make me ready for whatever comes next, and each step prepares me for the one that follows. It hasn't made making those choices any easier, but in the end it all seems to work out. Mayeb I should just relax and accept that all of this is just preparing me for whatever comes next, and that I will be more prepared for it than I was before. It's not where you're going, it's the journey that's important. Wish me luck at being a better traveler.
But on those sleepless nights the mind starts running and even various distractions can't derail it from its course. I have a vision for how I think I'd like my life to be and I've been spending time thinking about how you can get there. I alternatively praise and berate myselfe for doing this. On one hand, I wouldn't have achieved some of the success I have without striving towards something beyond what I already was. I've never been very good at the "accept yourself for who you are" line of arguements. This works pretty well on a professional level, but seems more elusive for me in the personal realm.
Lately I've been questioning the underlying vision of what I think I want from my relationships and just where it all came from. This isn't the first time I've done this, but like other bad habits it takes constant work. The one thing I keep coming back around to is that I really have little control over the whole picture. What I do have control over is how I comport myself in these contexts. The last yaer has been one of good exploration, but it has also been marked with tremendous failures on my part. I'd like to believe I'm learning from these failures, but, like generals who are fighting the last war, I worry about applying lessons learned in the wrong places. In love there is tension between surrendering to the passion and the euphoria, and being the responsible, mature partner that I want to be.
Professionally I've found that I couldn't have planned to get where I am, or where I'm going for that matter. But I've seen the opportunites and taken them to make me ready for whatever comes next, and each step prepares me for the one that follows. It hasn't made making those choices any easier, but in the end it all seems to work out. Mayeb I should just relax and accept that all of this is just preparing me for whatever comes next, and that I will be more prepared for it than I was before. It's not where you're going, it's the journey that's important. Wish me luck at being a better traveler.
posted by odd at 2:09 PM
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