Other Descriptive Data

Tom Waits

2006-07-15T10:30:00.000-05:00

I'm so angry I could spit. Tom Waits is touring for the first time in years. I just found out about it on Thursday, tickets for Chicago went on sale this morning. I was up early and logged in at the stroke of 9, but wasn't able to get tickets. I know some of you out there are masters at this sort of thing, so any advice is welcome. By 10:00 tickets were going for double their face-value on e-bay. As much as I'd love to go, there is a limit to my financial resources.

Chicagoians if you have an uncle in the scalping business who can get me a good deal...

Current mood: bitter

unThirsty

2006-07-12T12:37:00.000-05:00

And in case you don't have anything in the cupboard.

unThirsty - find happy hours near you
http://www.unthirsty.com/index.php

Snacksby: Like MacGuyver, for food

2006-06-25T16:22:00.000-05:00

http://www.snacksby.com

Snacksby lets you enter the ingredients in your kitchen and then tells you what you can make. At least in theory. There's only a few recipes here, but it seems to let you add recipes tagged with..."snacksonomies!"

damn, another good idea slips by. I'd thought of something similar a few months back while staring at a kitchen full of miscellanious ingredients and having no idea what to do with them.

Austin no more

2006-06-24T23:23:00.000-05:00

Back in Chambana wishing I had stayed in Austin for one more night. This was a great trip due largely in part to the group of interesting other archimusebrarians who also got scholarships.

We spent yesterday afternoon shopping in SoCo among the antique stores. As the lone male in a group of five women I will note that there are far too many places to stop and try on shoes in SoCo. Ladies, if you have a shoe fetish, this is the place to go. By the end of the afternoon we were hot and tired. Now equipped with a car, thanks to the member of our group who planned on stalking Willie Nelson, we headed out to Barton Springs Pool. While there was some joshing about heading out to Hippie Hollow, we weren't expecting to find some au natural bathers here too...guess they were just trying to keep Austin wierd. Swimming felt good, need to do more of that here.

We ended the evening at Chuy's Tex-Mex, the place where the Bush twins got busted for underage drinking. Good food, photo booth photos to follow.

Today started at Katz's dinner and stomping all over the west side with the last of our group. Katz's is a must for great breakfast in Austin. Toy Joy if you really need a plastic keychain with enclosed fetus or unicorns impaling mimes.

Austin (con't)

2006-06-23T15:13:00.000-05:00

Moore House
Originally uploaded by LibraryLand.

Austin: Day 3

Great afternoon in Austin. Met Paige, my couchsurfing contact, who spent the entire afternoon driving me around local Austin. Got to see some great neighborhoods I would never have seen in South Austin, ate at some local restaurants, waaay off the main drag. As my first attempt at using Couchsurfing, I give it a big thumbs up.

Driving around with her was an adventure (what do you expect when riding around in a Cavalier covered with wavy decorations and "Be Mindful" written across the steering wheel). On my way out I was reading Kinky Friedman's guide to Austin, turns out Paige used to work on Kinky's gubernatorial campaign and spent two weeks on the road with him. I guess that now puts me only two degrees away from Kinky adding to the two degree from Kevin Bacon. I don't know if that helps Kinky get closer to Kevin.

The conference kicked off tonight with a decent reception. Glad to see lots of familiar faces in town. After the reception we were lead on a "preview tour" of Austin. A little bit of a letdown since I'd previewed most of the stops the night before. Ended up at Club deVille with a group of mostly other scholarship folks, mostly other LIS students and a few working pros.

*******
I don't get these guys who blog the whole time during a conference. I've been offline the last few days since I didn't feel like lugging the laptop from campus to the hotel. They don't have wireless. Evenings are spent with people. Not blogging.

Conference: good

Last night went to the Broken Spoke, a painful reminder of what a bad dancer I am. Meanwhile all the cowboys were having a good time. We were greeted at the door by the Kinky for Gov. committee. I'm bringing extra bumper stickers back.

Heading out to South Austin again this evening.

Austin by Night: Episode 1

2006-06-20T11:00:00.000-05:00

Texas State Capitol at Night
Originally uploaded by LibraryLand.

A lovely evening tonight out on the town. While I have yet to connectt with my couchsurfing contact her advice has proved to be spot-on. After settling in at the San Jacinto Residence Hall I headed out for the evening with a stroll down Congress Ave. Mexican dinner at Manuels was mostly excellent. The Enchiladas de Mole were perfect, but the Chilie con Queso was nearly congealed even though it arrived quickly. It was also very stringy (in a stretchy cheese sorta way) that made it nearly impossible to eat gracefully.

Finished dinner in time to make it to the Congress Ave. bridge in time for the bats to come out. It didn't seem like much at first until you looked up from the bats coming from under the bridge and realized that there were now visible clouds of bats darting to and fro. Needless to say they were moving to fast to get a good picture with my camera. I did snag a not-so-interesting movie clip. (ask if you're really that interested. A bunch of people had paddled up under the bridge in kayaks and you can also take a river cruise. This fact alone has put Austin over ever living in Denver again. At least there's substantial water here, enough for a large paddle boat. In Denver, maybe you'd see a few kayaks, but that's about all the Platte could support.

I ended up strolling down E. 6th St., just to see what was there. Not much going on. The Chronicle suggested that there was music at a place Couchsurfing contact recommended, so I headed up through the Red River district, east on 11th to the Long Branch Inn. Perfect neighborhood dive bar. Great juke box, good music. Nice big old style bar-back. Unfortunately they can't get the Chronicle to stop publishing the fact that they have an open mic night on Mondays. It ended months ago. So no music. But a great bar. Bartender as friendly as Michelle from the Esq. Interesting people have interesting conversations. (though getting there on foot may not be for the faint of heart. I was street accosted three times on the way there. Granted, street accosted in the friendly unthreatening way they do it out west, but still might make some folks feel uncomfortable. Take the #2 Rosewood bus instead.)

Waiting for a bus back downtown (btw, the Austin public transportation has been great so far. Except for the crazy automated computer hotline that makes you say out loud what you want. I hate that. Just let me push the damn numbers. I don't want to have a dialog with the CapMetro scheduling computer, esp after several Lone Stars). I digress. Waiting for the bus back down town I looked up and saw...a "moonlight tower." Before Austin had street lamps they were one of the few cities to install these tall towers with big arc lamps on them. They still exist, dotted all around town. The Long Branch just happened to be under one of them.

*********
Morning update. Just a quick stroll down W. 6th to Waterloo Records. Great if you are used to what we have in Champaign and probably as good as Twist & Shout (maybe...)
Meeting Couchsurfing contact for afternoon sightseeing.

Austin: Day One

2006-06-19T17:39:00.000-05:00

I've arrived in Austin, albeit a little late thanks to the delay at O'Hare (and continued delay once we were on the plane.). Travel fun continues. I have been told that I "slipped through the cracks" on payroll, still waiting to hear when I might get paid. UT Housing didn't have me arriving until tomorrow, and decided they needed to charge me for an extra night. It's just like LEEP week all over, there's not even any hangers in the room. I strolled over to the "Drag" near UT to get wireless and pop into the drugstore from some sundries. The "Drag" is, well...a drag. Mostly chain places, campus bookstores and shops selling anorexic undergraduate clothing.

On the upside my Couchsurfing contact got back to me. This may mean not drinking alone tonight and having a local take me to the divey places tourists don't normally reach.

Not sure I'll make it to the bats tonight, but I don't think they're going anywhere.

On the road.

2006-06-19T10:12:00.000-05:00

Item One

Dear C-U Taxi. Really this isn't all that hard. You own some cars and vans. People call you and ask you to take them places. They give you money for this. Sometimes people are drunk off their asses and can't drive themselves. Its not to hard to find them, since the bars are located in only a few places. Other times people call you waaaay in advance. These people ususally are on a schedule. They've got to be somewhere. It might be a meeting or say to catch a plane. These people appreciate it when you show up on time. And its also helpful to show up at the right place. This seems easy to. Person Z is going FROM point A TO point B. It's a little silly to show up at Point B first, Person Z won't be there until you bring them.

Friends, countryman, librarians. If you need a ride to the airport, please just call me. I'm very promt and take payment in liquid forms of currency (not at the time of course, it's a pay-later kinda system. Unless it's 7AM and you hand me a steaming cup of coffee).

Item Two

Chicago as a transportation hub made sense in the 19th C. when people rode around in big heavy trains. The wind didn't really bother trains that weigh several tons. Whomever decided to put America's busiest airport in the WINDY city is an idiot. Let's review:

AIRplanes need air to fly.
WIND is made of up of AIR moving around really fast.
While airplanes do move around really fast, they don't take well to wind that's doing the same. Especially during that tricky part called "LANDING" when airplanes leave the air and come back to the ground.
Why it seems like a good idea to put the two together is a mystery to me. There must be an interesting story behind it. Chicagoians? What have ye to say?

Oh wait...I did just pay for internet acccess. Let's see what we can find.... Reference a-go-go. Hmmmm. Amazingly nothing obvious is popping up. The official O'Hare website has a little bit on Butch O'Hare, after whom the airport is named. Originally it was called Orchard Field. Again - airplanes and lots of trees seems like it was a bad idea from the start. Ahh and our old friend Wikipedia to the rescue.

History of Chicago O'Hare

Again proving that librarians kick ass. O'Hare Digital Collection - Bensenville Public Library

Hmm. Well that answers some questions. Apparently the Army folks who came out to survey did study the "wind conditions" blah. blah. Me thinks there's a political subtext to this that isn't jumping out here.

Well, alsmost time to go. Our plane has finally arrived. Thanks for flying with us. Please return you seats and tray tables to their full upright position.

Stoner update

2006-06-18T00:51:00.000-05:00

OK, I just stepped outside for a second and the stoner boys have decided that it would be fun to streak naked around the complex. I really wish I had my camera handy while this was happening. Ahhhh the joys of youth.

Austin Bound

2006-06-17T22:41:00.000-05:00

I'm off to Austin, Tx on Monday. I've been looking forward to this trip, looking forward to the few extra days I planned to be in Austin outside of the conference. Then today I looked in on my bank account....and...I haven't been paid. I've got it covered, but I was really looking forward to just heading off knowing that not only do I have the scholarship $$, but would also be sitting on top of a new paycheck. Oh, well, best laid plans. I just hope there is not some stupid bureaucratic BS, e.g. they won't pay me until the next cycle. That just won't cut it.

It may mean that I don't pay my rent on time, but given the way Ramshaw has been taking care of business lately I really don't care. Several of us are convinced that the new tenants in the basement apartment are deaaling. Lots of non-tenents constantly coming and going. Apparently this has happened before and Ramshaw has done nothing about it since they pay their rent. There are now four high school stoners who are bouncing big plastic balls around - very annoying. Maybe it's JBs neighbors come to pay a visit.

Considering they still haven't done anything since the ceiling fell into the foyer I'm not surprised. (and I mean nothing, at least they could sweep up the plaster and broken pieces of drywall that are laying all over our mail). I look forward to moving even more now.

Summeritis

2006-06-02T12:35:00.000-05:00

I'm home again with Summeritis, essentially I can't seem to get motivated to complete even the most simple tasks. Waiting to see if I can actually participate in the LA meetings that I decided not to fly out to.

K's here for another week. Well, more on that later. It's complicated.

My friend Liz from Denver appeared out of nowhere yesterday and we had a good time trying to convert her to the dark side of LIS and watching Family Feud at the Brass Rail.

Tomorrow...possibility of kayaking at Kickapoo.

Move'n on up

2006-05-25T17:20:00.000-05:00

I spent the last three days trying to reorganize the ole apartment, like playing 3D Tetris with furniture. It feels a little more open now, but there's still odd boxes and piles of books that need to find a home. And then of course there's the wee kitchen that no one can really do anything about.

So I'm move'n out and hopefully move'n up by taking over shaneBe's place.

This charming one bedroom in the historic Sesquentenial neighborhood features:

A kitchen that can fit more than 1 person at a time.
Easy and convenient access to Hell through the secret doorway.
Stairways that lead nowhere.
Built in shelves and a fabulous mantle piece with non-functioning but attractive fireplace (electric logs not included)
Capacity for rock'n out with friends.

This will make the summer travel schedule a little hairy (yo! Philly peeps - I'm coming the end of July) but I foresee a great schedule of fall entertaining in my future.

Daytrip'n: Monticello, IL

2006-05-20T16:10:00.000-05:00

Arched Window
Originally uploaded by LibraryLand.

Horray Summer! Today I went off on my first little daytrip, hoping it's the first of many this summer. Oh, and new rule. No working on the weekends until August. Stop. Put down that article on metadata....get out of town.

Motnicello was OK. A little commercial square around a courthouse like I've seen in many other midwestern towns. Not too many interesting shopping opportunities downtown, except I did discover Prairie Fire Glass studio. I signed up for their mailing list in case they offer any classes, but because of the heat they generally don't do classes except in fall-winter-spring. I'm captivated by glass blowing and would like to give it a try. I've watched folks at Glassworks in Louisville and at the City Museum in St. Louis. Just what I need, an expensive hobby.

I took a stroll aroung the historic district, where are there are some nice historic homes. Nothing too stellar, but I did find an interesting gothic revival on way out of town (see the Flickr set).

Allerton Park made the trip worthwhile. I had a nice stroll around the gardens and about a 1mi hike through the woods. I will be going back for some of the longer trails and to find the pioneer cemetary and the "house in the woods."

Where to next? I may try to go to the crazy ship model museum in Sadorous, hadn't realized it was so close.

Photo Bug

2006-05-11T22:35:00.000-05:00

Heath & Vaugh Funeral Home
Originally uploaded by LibraryLand.

I have a new toy. Sort of an early graduation present to myself. No more stealing othe people's pictures from Flickr!

Southern Cross

2006-04-24T23:55:00.000-05:00

I decided today not to go to L.A. for some official business. The more I looked at my pocketbook and what it would cost for me to fufill my boardly duties, the more I couldn't justify the expense. Especially since I realized it's been almost six years since I've taken a real vacation. Oh, sure there's been a weekend here or there, but not a real get away from it all kinda vacation.

Of course vacations are usually reserved for those who can afford it. Inspired by E's pilgramage, I'm trying to figure out how I might swing an adventure or two over the summer with minimal funding.

It seems to do this is to put yourself in the hands of strangers. I looked at couchsurfing while I was planning the trip to L.A. and it seems like there's an interesting group of people there who will put you up with minimal fuss. I might try it out taking a few road trips, where the consequences of it not working out aren't so great. I don't know why I'm reluctant, it just seems to be a leep of faith that's unfamiliar and discomforting. It's not something I've done much with friends, let alone complete strangers.

For those of you who don't know, I spent most of my youth sailing around the Chesapeake Bay and I desperately miss being out on the water. I've been poking around tonight looking at websites that offer crew positions on various boats. See people with big boats tend to move them around, other people live aboard and are constantly on the move. Often they need some help getting from one place to another and offer a free/cost share ride in return for swabbing the decks, taking the midnight watch, or other services. Since I expect to broke for a while, it seems like a good way to enjoy a luxury I won't be able to afford. With a little experience and a USCG certification, I could actually be spending my summers having someone pay me to sail their boat around.

This is another one of those weird personal obstacles that you come up against every now and then. "huh, where'd that come from?" I like meeting new people and travel to foreign places has always been better with a local guide. So I don't know what my objections are to trying this out. I think I'll try dipping my toe in the waters and see how it works out before committing to something too big. If anyone has done something similar, advice is welcome.

deFriendsterated

2006-04-18T23:29:00.000-05:00

The other night, IMing with LDB, I asked about the etiquette of un-Friendstering. Tonight was the first time I've logged on in a while, and found that I had been de-Friendstered. I wasn't so surprised about the un-Friendstering, but it tingled my library-senses. I get an e-mail when I'm Friendstered, why don't you get one when you are un-Friendstered? Maybe I just missed it or maybe the folks at Friendster thing it would be too crushing a blow to my ego. Turns out I was un-MySpaced too and ditto, no notification. What's next? de-Flikrization?

In the fall I'm registering for an Anthropology class called "Antro Approach to Memory" and I may have to investigate this further. There's a motivation to record additions to our lives, but with a few clicks they are gone with no trace. I suppose this isn't all that different than the burning of letters, cutting people out of pictures, dumping stuff out on the lawn, etc. but now I'm curious about how this skews long-term social networking analysis. Surely past lives live-on, backed up on tape somewhere deep in the bowels of Friendster HQ. Huh, wonder if you could....

> Friendster BackupExec 6.7
> restore friend

Urban Redevelopment

2006-04-16T14:09:00.000-05:00

Since I've been on my own again my sleep cycles have continued to be totally out of whack. Last night, for example, I couldn't sleep and stayed up until after 5am. According to my "biorhythm" widget the last few weeks have been ones of high emotion and low physical strength. Seems about right.

But on those sleepless nights the mind starts running and even various distractions can't derail it from its course. I have a vision for how I think I'd like my life to be and I've been spending time thinking about how you can get there. I alternatively praise and berate myselfe for doing this. On one hand, I wouldn't have achieved some of the success I have without striving towards something beyond what I already was. I've never been very good at the "accept yourself for who you are" line of arguements. This works pretty well on a professional level, but seems more elusive for me in the personal realm.

Lately I've been questioning the underlying vision of what I think I want from my relationships and just where it all came from. This isn't the first time I've done this, but like other bad habits it takes constant work. The one thing I keep coming back around to is that I really have little control over the whole picture. What I do have control over is how I comport myself in these contexts. The last yaer has been one of good exploration, but it has also been marked with tremendous failures on my part. I'd like to believe I'm learning from these failures, but, like generals who are fighting the last war, I worry about applying lessons learned in the wrong places. In love there is tension between surrendering to the passion and the euphoria, and being the responsible, mature partner that I want to be.

Professionally I've found that I couldn't have planned to get where I am, or where I'm going for that matter. But I've seen the opportunites and taken them to make me ready for whatever comes next, and each step prepares me for the one that follows. It hasn't made making those choices any easier, but in the end it all seems to work out. Mayeb I should just relax and accept that all of this is just preparing me for whatever comes next, and that I will be more prepared for it than I was before. It's not where you're going, it's the journey that's important. Wish me luck at being a better traveler.

Hello World (again)

2006-04-06T21:04:00.000-05:00

Hi bloggies,

I've been gone for a little bit and haven't posted much. Just in case you thought I'd disappeared here is a little something.

A few weeks ago I ended another relationship and since then have been feeling a wee bit anti-social. I'm settling back into life on my own and haven't really had much to say about anything.

This damned weather has made me just want to stay in bed most of the time. To top it off, allergy season is here and even when I can poke my head out of the covers I'm pretty much in a fog. I've been resting up and trying to recover since I'm telling in Saturday's Storytelling Festival. So, come on by and hear some good stories.

Thankfully day-light savings time is here and soon the weather will be nicer (wishful thinking?). The semester will be over and I will have passed on hurdle and started moving on to the next (gulp) step.

More cogent posts to come, once I'm not hopped up on sinus meds.

Take a break

2006-03-12T22:49:00.000-06:00

Sitting at home watching "Sherman's March" (it was 2 for 1 day at Rentertainment, I really was renting the first disc of Battlestar Galactic - great!) and encoding PBCore metadata. Yes, this is the fun on Sunday nights here.

Now that I've made the big decision to enter the PhD program I've been wondering what to do with myself this summer. The benefits of being a PhD student won't kick in until August and I don't really want to pay the in/out of state difference for taking a throw-away class this summer. I've decided that I'm taking the summer off. I might polish up a few papers from class and maybe try to find something that will pad my income, but otherwise it's going to be trashy novels, hanging out with friends, and building a reserve of energy for the next several grueling years.

I'm going to take some roadtrips. Memphis, Nashville, NOLA, more Chicago, a little St. Louie. Somehow I need to catch up with The Avett Bros. sometime this summer. Maybe St. Louis on June 7. Would love to find myself in Europe with Devotchka.

The Avett Brother's "Four Theives Gone" has been on heavy rotation since it arrived last week.

Still waiting to hear if I'll be going to Austin for RBMS. Hope it comes through, would love to see Austin. (Wishing I were at SXSW).

Glenfarclas

2006-03-07T01:23:00.000-06:00

IMGP0618
Originally uploaded by LibraryLand.

Happy LEEP Weekend - Spring 2006.

Happy Unofficial from the DLRL

2006-03-03T12:58:00.000-06:00

Hop on the bus, Gus

2006-02-23T17:08:00.000-06:00

Nothing gets us librarians hot and bothered like a new information service. Today the MTD launched a very cool new website. I just can't wait until they release the widgets that tell you where your bus is. Go CUMTD!

Now, if I could only start adding tags to my bus routes.

B.us tags

6W Orange
niceDriver, badDriver, alwaysLateWhenImEarly, alwaysEarlyWhenImLate

Simpsomaker

2006-02-17T12:58:00.000-06:00

The Simpsomaker

PhD Update

2006-02-16T21:59:00.000-06:00

Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
An’ if I stay it will be double
-The Clash

Thanks to everyone who has offered congradulations and/or advice about my impending decision. As they say, it ain't over until the fat lady sings and she hasn't sung yet. I have until March 1 to accept my admission invitation and I probably will go right up to the wire before finally settling in.

I had some more doubts today, as I got another invitation from BIG Ivy League library to apply for a position that will be opening. The thought of mola rolling in and being back in the big city is tempting. And the KY opportunity apprently is still an open question even though I haven't heard from them. Oddly they've called all my references first, which just seems backwards to me.

At the same time all of this attentions is making me feel like a pig in sh1t. While I feel a little guilty about not giving anyone a final answer yet, it does feel like confirmation that I should stay and complete the PhD. I tend to sell myself short, but if this many people are confident in my abilities then it seems that I have something valuable to offer the field. And the best way to do that is to stay, finish the PhD as quickly as possible and hopefully similar opportunities will present themselves in a few years (putting aside curmudgeony advice). As the departmental guru advised, it would be a "qualitative difference" over what I've done in the past.

While it does mean setting aside an income for the next few years, right now I have few obligations beyond myself. If I go back out into the working world and assume other obligations coming back for the PhD seems far less likely. It ain't easy living as a student, but there has been a wealth of companionship and good friends that no job could ever supply.

Looking back, each of these big decisions has been difficult, but in the long run each was the right one.

What's helpful is breaking this down into smaller chunks. 2yrs of coursework (maybe less, found out I can transfer lots of unused credit from this semester!), field exams, then cranking out the dissertaion. Based on conversations I'm already considering whether to change my research statement to something with less academic drag (such as IRB, lots of data collection, etc.)

If you've all been enjoying watching this fish flounder, be sure to attend the Pisces Party.

VP Hunting Aid

2006-02-13T23:05:00.000-06:00

From Needlenose via BoingBoing.net

To PhD or not to PhD

2006-02-06T22:48:00.000-06:00

This week I will have to decide where the future takes me. I have been accepted into the PhD program but also am entertaining a very juicey offer for a fellowship that would lead onward to a professional career.

Tonight, I had almost comvinced myself to stay for the PhD when I came across a LJ post that summed the advice that was delivered to me the other day. After reading The PhD Glut I'm back on the fence again. I'm still trying to make exactly the arguments that North tries to debunk. I'm smart. I've made it this far and received encouragement and support from faculty here. I'll be one of those who beats the odds. I've got spunk. Roll them dice.

I look at the latest numbers I could get from ALISE's Library and Information Science Education Statistical Report (2003). From this it looks like in that year 67 doctoral degrees were granted in LIS, and 47 replacement positions were created and 26 new positions were created (for a total of 73). While this isn't exactly a high demand, it's not a glut either. I need to go look at the latest surveys to see how much this number has changed in 2004. Looking for a historical trend, this number seems fairly steady since 2001. What it doesn't explain is what the othe 800 odd doctoral students are doing with themselves. The studies don't appear to account for doc students who don't complete a program or walk away ABD. And these numbers don't account for all the previous graduates who may be out there looking for jobs, changing jobs (with more experience), etc.

Applying a few more skills that probably got me accepted in the first place, lets look at our source a little more closely. The numbers posted above appeared on the LewRockwell.com blog, associated with a libratarian research institute that is "anti-state, anti-socialism." Hmmmmm....since most academic programs are largely state funded one might wonder about the bias here. One might also think that Mr. North's advice is based on his credentials as an economist, but apparently he's one of the bitter failed PhDs (his is in history). He now peddles various Buffet-esque money making schemes.

Thank being said, the numbers are a little tough to swallow. PhD vs. job over the next five years (assuming a steady salary) is a 36% difference, totaling about $120K.
And that's just counting salary, not benefits and other perks (OK, a tuition waiver will take a bite out of that, but is a PhD worth 120K?). I'm not sure how that works out over the next 10 years or so, but faculty salaries are not that great and that assumes tenure and moving up the academic pay scale.

It's now after midnight and the math is making my head hurt. I'm going to bed to contemplate whether having a PhD would make me "wealthy" in ways that a job wouldn't.

Break? What Break?

2006-01-23T22:23:00.000-06:00

I had all sorts of good intentions to be bloggery over break, but family commitments and a bout of the flu put a quick end to those. Colorado was a beautiful and wonderful place to spend break for the simple reason that sun only disappeared for a few hours one day (other than when it usually went down at night). Meanwhile in Chambana I feel lucky when it's out for a few hours.

From there I spent a week in Berkeley at the NDIIPP partners meeting. My first trip to the San Francisco area was beautiful thanks to the hotel overlooking the bay & city. Thankfully I was able to get downtown for a few hours and take a ride on a cable car.

I only had two days to unwind before the semester started. Again, good intentions gone. I planned on cleaning and organizing before classes started, but my boss lent me her DVD set of Firefly. I'd managed to only see a few episodes when it aired and felt a little lost when I saw Serenity last fall. The weekend devolved into a total Firefly overdose that's left me wanting more more!

The PhD application has been submitted, but this week I'll already have had two job interviews. I'm leaving Thursday to interview for a Fellowship program that looks promising. Another application will go out this week. Soon the time of reckoning will be here. I'm still blowing hot and cold about what to do next, but keeping myself sane until there are real choices are in hand. Stay tuned, it should be an interesting year.

What kind of food are you?

2005-12-16T15:05:00.000-06:00

You Are Italian Food

Comforting yet overwhelming.
People love you, but sometimes you're just too much.

What Kind of Food Are You?

the demons

2005-11-29T10:03:00.000-06:00

Reposted from apophenia

I'm often told that academics chase their demons. They study what they can't understand in themselves, following their demons out of a desire for resolution.

I've also noticed that many of my professional colleagues work to avoid their demons. They travel to outrun them and work so excessively in fear that their demons may confront them.

I started wondering what it means to be a workaholic academic. Does it mean that you're chasing your demons as they chase you? Or does it mean that you find masochistic joy in constantly facing those demons? Or does it mean that you become your demons?

2:30 am musings

2005-11-25T02:42:00.000-06:00

1). Determined the K's strange power over me derives from being sanely crazy or crazily sane.
2). Observation of single mum divorceees suggests this power may not be limited to K.
3). Entenman's choclolate glazed pop-ems are useful to have on hand at 2:30 am. on Thanksgiving after bar hopping.
4.) SW makes orgasmic Tira mi su. Useful after Thanksgiving dinners before going out bar hopping until 2am.
5.) It's the infrastructure stupid.

Gobble gobble

2005-11-24T09:06:00.000-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

Join the tradition & listen to Alice's Restaraunt. If you don't have a copy XPN will be airing it at 12:00 EST (11:00 CST).

Enjoy!

Crooked Fingers

2005-11-23T21:58:00.000-06:00

Monday night I made it out to the Crooked Fingers concert. I guess I was expecting a full band, but it was just Eric Bachman by himself. The man knows how to play guitar and the set was filled with "sumptuous and delicately melancholic songs" just as promised.

Appropriate since the streets were filled with the ghosts of summer, skudding around corners, standing in the corner where things first came together, and haunting me in the lyrics. khamsin was on hand to offer comfort about "instruments of torture." It turned out to be a prescient talk since mine decided to float into view again today. It's still hard to see what was and what could have been, but it will still be there for a while haunting me.

The task at hand is to figure out which parts of this were important lessons to have learned. What was a mistake, what wasn't, and most difficult was a mistake, but would be wouldn't be if made again (or would be a mistake if you didn't do it again).

I'm taking the holiday to gather my bearings and chart the next leg of my course. I've decided to apply for the PhD program and see if I can stick around for a while longer. While I'm still not sure I'm up to some of the challenges, this life is growing on me.

Immortal Lover

2005-11-17T22:32:00.000-06:00

I spent this evening attempting to do some game "research" by joining Second Life. Largely because it's one of the few free online services. I've mostly heard about it in the context of some educational stuff and intended to check out "museum' like spaces here.

And where did I end up? Lestats House of Dark Erotica (and dance club) dancing my virtual ass off. OK.. so this was fun. Somehow in the process I became a member of the Immortal Lovers. It's interesting because they actually have a live DJ playing requested music (and good music at that).

It's left me here in 1st life really wanting to go dancing...or something. I keep forgetting that Tues. is Subversion at the Highdive. Maybe as a Thanksgiving treat I'll head over. I'm already planning too many social events for this weekend...but hey it's a holiday next week and I need to take advantage of this while I can.

Enter the Muse

2005-11-14T16:11:00.000-06:00

I'm generally not a fan of Albert Brook's comedy, but I did enjoy watching The Muse a few years back.

I've decided that my muse is like most of the cats I've know. She won't come when called, but can be very affectionate when she does decide to curl up in your lap.

I know many serious writers dismiss the idea of the muse...it's all about hard work and dedication, yada yada...but I'm still stuck on the idea. Either she's there or not and I can't seem to write without her inspiration. If it really is about work and that's where your muse comes from I need to find a way to stash bon bons and some jewelry in a drawer to keep her around next time.

The paper is done and whether it's shite or not we'll find out later this week. I'm exhausted after working on this while fasting before this morning's visit to the doctor. Thankfully I got most of this weeks regular work done on Friday night. Today's rain is perfect for settling in for some mindless TV.

Anxiety Monster is back

2005-11-13T21:06:00.000-06:00

I've been staring at the computer for a day and half and all I have of this paper is a steaming pile of bullshit. Why is it that I could sit down right now and talk about this for longer than anyone would want to listen, but I am totally stuck when it comes to forming it into a cogent piece of work. Essentially this paper will now get written into the wee hours of the morning. Something will come out of it. And I will sit at the table on Wed. and happily explain it all.

Why do I think I want to spend the rest of my life doing this?

PhD 0
Get a Job 1

Music on my mind

2005-11-09T19:23:00.000-06:00

Do you have music which defines a time in your life? I'm think when I look back I'm going to see this music marking a watershed moment.

This summer was filled by the Iron & Wine, Kings of Convenience and the Avett Bros. and the Akron Family.

First there's the Dresden Dolls, of recent concernt mahem. My recent research has encouraged me to start following the links from people I like to other bands, so the Dolls lead me to Gogol Bordello, Katzenjammer Kaberett and the Ditty Bops.

A defining band of this year will be The Magnetic Fields. I'm glad I didn't discover them until after leaving R in Denver. This would have been in heavy rotation in the months before I left. But they've come in handy after the thrills of this summer and subsequent miasma.

Today thanks goes to BoingBoing for sending me to Twink: The Toy Piano Band.

It's been nice to have the time this year to explore new music, to meet people who's music will influence me forever and to turn that around and share my music.

Last night we watched Trois Coloeurs: Bleu. I commented that some of the sensuality of the movie was like the music itself. The most memorable times are a symphony of sound, touch, smell and taste. When the senses are in harmony they leave an indelable mark on your memories.

I'm so thankful for flickr, without being able to steal other people's pictures the visual record of this life would have been lost too. If I get any xmas loot, I'm buying my own. It's been too long that I haven't documented my life.

Bean-town!

2005-11-01T17:46:00.000-06:00

I'm in Boston for the week attending the Museum Computer Network conference. I arrived early enough today to squeeze in one of my walk-abouts. Rather than trying to hit the sites, I just let me feet lead the way and set out from the hotel towards Boston Commons. I ended up walking around Beacon Hill letting the close narrow streets and old buildings embrace me in their history. It feels good to be here, like being home in Philadelphia with wavey brick sidewalks and quaint alleys. I'll need to remeber this when I'm trying to decide where I go next. It's a feeling I'd like to hang onto.

Halloweenie

2005-10-30T15:55:00.000-06:00

Snow White & Renaissance Guy
Originally uploaded by LibraryLand.

A great Halloween this year after a run of not so good Halloweens. Not one, but two parties and Judgement House tonight.

The late evenings have made me tired and less able to get everything done I wanted this weekend. Occasionally there's an urge to beat myself up about being a less motivated student this fall, but in the end I sorely needed this kind of socializing to balance out all the work and no play I had been doing in Colorado.

K and I dicussed the difference between single-people parties and couple parties earlier this year. I definately noticed the difference this weekend, the single-ish party hosted by outsidecat and Doodlebug was much more rock'n. Saturday was still fun, it just had a totally different vibe. The opportunity to be flirtatious with SW might have something to do with that.

More pics from outsidecat, and Doodlebug

And not to be missed khamsin as Laura Palmer

Think about a woman

2005-10-24T20:19:00.000-05:00

Thought for the day, accidentally discovered

Think about a woman. Doesn't know you're thinking about her. Doesn't care you're thinking about her. Makes you think about her even more.

Martin Sage and Sybil Adelman, Northern Exposure, The Bumpy Road to Love, 1991

Dialectizer

2005-10-18T21:40:00.000-05:00

I don't know why I get such a kick out of these things, but found this on Non Sequitturville.
The Dialectizer - convert your website into Redneck and other dialects.

NDIIPP Project

To bad they don't have pirate, and the Talk like a pirate translator doesn't allow links to the NDIIP page, but it was worth it.

Please let me know if you find something that will translate this into Philly talk.

What is this place?

2005-10-17T21:23:00.000-05:00

Since I started this, I've been struggling with who to be in this space and what it's for. I've played with a few different things, but recently have come to a decision that I cannot include discussions about specific relationships here. This is partly because I recently read some things about myself (no biggy really..) and because of the already thin line between heaven and hell that I'm walking. Were lots of posting about my inner workings to fall into the wrong hands, I'd be sunk. (of course you're all wondering what I'm talking about...there have been many aborted posts that fill in the bits of mystery found here).

Frankly, I need to do the same off-line. The overanalysis of my relationships has me exhausted and hasn't produced any useful results. More often than not, a quick gut check provided the right answers that hours of thinking only made more complicated, weighted with meaning that wasn't there, and in the end was just wrong.

So now onto reading the very boring posts of someone who won't talk about their relationships, who is committed to being a diligent student for the rest of the semester, who's gotta watch how much money is being spent on fun. This oughta be a blast.

Concert Frustrations

2005-10-16T16:56:00.000-05:00

Grrrr... This weekend's trip to Chicago to see Devotchka and the Dresden Dolls turned into a mess. I forgot my tickets at E's, K left her phone in the hotel. In the end I missed seeing Devotchka, the main reason for going and never hooked up with the folks I was going to the show with until after the show was over. Which meant I spent my time standing alone at the back of the Metro. Grrrr....

Party

2005-10-10T17:43:00.000-05:00

On Saturday I hosted a successful party in my small apartment. freyjawaru has posted some pixs and khamsin offers testimony that at least one person had a good time (other others suggest it was a success all round). More pictures to come, but I'm still stuck in the analog film age. I'm now convinced more than ever that I need a digital camera.

The success of the party is entirely due to the good friends both near and far who helped stock the bar, provided stimulating conversation, and great part energy. Thanks to all of you who came and enjoyed yourselves!

I've been trying to decide whether my inability to continue as host by the end of the evening is a good sign or a bad sign. It seems whenever I throw a party and I know that my bed is only steps away, that my normal limits on how much alcohol I consume go right out the window. Next time I think I need to keep things in check so that I can continue to fulfill my responsibilities as host...maybe. Thankfully I had K~ to look out for me when things went a little too far.

This was the first real party that I"ve thrown in a few years. Riding on this success I'm going to have to make a more regular habit out of it. I'm seriously thinking about hosting a regular movie night or some other small casual gathering of friends at my place. I've envied khamsin & sebethis' tales of dinner parties. With the onset of cool weaather, some small intimate soire's followed by a movie may be just what the doctor ordered.

Fall guy

2005-10-04T10:23:00.000-05:00

OK, Iit's my fault. I was too quick to sing the praises of the cool weather and now it has been replaced with continuing hotness. Blech! I hope when it does come it lasts for more than a week or two before switching to icky coldness.

It's complicated

2005-10-02T11:27:00.000-05:00

When I joined Friendster this week I was wonderfully amused that you could set your status to "it's complicated." It's an apt description of my current status. I'm trying to move myself forward, but seeing someone new has just made me feel that much more conflicted. Now I'm feeling like I've made a messy complicated situation that much more messy and complicated. I'm not sure "live for the moment" works very well with deeply seated catholic guilt complexes. I need to be twinked with some wisdom.

Snuggle Puppet

2005-09-30T09:45:00.000-05:00

New word for today: Snuggle puppet. e.g. "I was her snuggle puppet."

Working on whether I have ever been a snuggle puppet.

Related term: snuggle pirate.

Where's the beef?

2005-09-29T10:21:00.000-05:00

Today, 2nd workout session. So far so good, at least I'm still outpacing the chippies in my class. As out of shape as I've been feeling, my fitness assessment today suggests that I'm not toooo out of shape.

The most disturbanging thing was the weigh-in. If correct, it means I lost over 15lbs since all of the tummy troubles started. I've often quipped the best diet is the "get sick" diet, but this is a little scarey. Glad I'm headed back to the doctor tomorrow. I'm not sure we'd noted that I was losing so much the last time I was in. For now I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth, and will take advantage of disappearing flab.

Today's obession - Automata

2005-09-28T13:30:00.000-05:00

Caberet Mechanical Theater - Automata

Modern Compendium of Miniature Automata

and the always amusing:

Soda Play

Fall is here (maybe)

2005-09-27T08:23:00.000-05:00

fall is here, hear the yell
back to school, ring the bell
brand new shoes, walking blues
climb the fence, book and pens
i can tell that we are gonna be [just] friends

Cool and crisp this morning! I need to get out to this orchard place someone told me about to get some cider to go with my ginger snaps. I'm feeling the urge to start pulling out the sweaters and cold weather clothes, but I know every year I do this it causes a heat wave. Patience for now...

Today I'm starting a 4wk exercise program. With all the fun medical happenings over the summer I've already lost a fair amount of weight, now I just need to add a little bit of toned muscle to the picture. I wish I had the will power to do it on my own, but the only way I can be consistent is by joining a class. Its money that probably would have gone to unhealthy vices anyway...

I hate ellipsis...

2005-09-25T12:23:00.000-05:00

It's a gray and rainy Sunday, a good day to hunker down and get some work down after a week of far too much socializing. Time to start buckling down and accomplishing something.

On Friday I went on out something resembling a date. I don't know if I'm ready yet for this, since I spent most of the time thinking, "this would be so much more fun if it were K~." Maybe I won't be able to appreciate someone new until these ellipsis become periods. Only another week before getting a double dose of K~, and I'm still not sure if it will bring relief or be a bitter pill. If I catch her tonight, I may have to ask what I should be expecting, despite wanting to play it cool. I think I know what the answer is, I just don't want to believe it.

To accompany the gray day, and the gray mood:

Coin Operated Boy - Dresden Dolls
Kind of in Love - Avett Bros.
Alone Again - Calexico
I Don't Want to Get Over You - Magnetic Fields
I Can't Touch You Anymore - Magnetic Fields
How it Ends - Devotchka
Yes, I guess they outta name a drink after you - John Prine
Love is Like a Bottle of Gin - Magnetic Fields
The One that Got Away - Tom Waits
The Girl from Back Then - Kings of Convenience
When Love is Gone - Richard Buckner & Calexico
They Don't Love You Like I Love You - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

The rain looks like it's lifting - time to go to the store & prepare a decent Sunday night dinner.

Love is so short, and forgetting is so long (Neruda)

2005-09-21T22:37:00.000-05:00

It's been almost a month since things came to an end. Out for drinks recently someone explained the concept of a "relationship half-life." (relationship/2 = timeToHeal) If the theory holds true I still have a few more months to go before I am fully able to move on.

All I know is that this relationship, brief as it was, turned me inside out and upside down in an unprecedented way. Maybe it was due to picking up, moving and all the other changes that were going on and not the result of meeting someone spectacular. I'd still like the chance to find out, but in my more realistic moments I recognize that's unlikely to happen. What I still find curious, is that through all of this I cannot think of a single time when I've been angry or bitter about any of it. Sure, I've been frustrated, sad, mopey (and one or two occasions a complete and utter idiot), but never angry. So there's still that smoldering ember just waiting to be fanned back to life.

Thankfully with the start of fall semester things are looking up here. I have not been this social since my last stint in graduate school. After several years of having little life outside of work. It feels good to be out on the town, living life, meeting new and interesting people. Just like the last time, I'm learning more outside of class than inside of class.

Cool whether teases us, but hopefully is right around the corner. I need to get the kitchen in order and start cooking more. All these late afternoon classes have disuaded me from spending too much time in the extrodinarily small galley I've got.

Not that DSL is here I'm hoping to post on a more regular basis. Just got a new camera phone so hopefully it can be illustrated as well.

Change into a nine-year-old Hindu Boy

2005-07-27T09:46:00.000-05:00

I found it impossible to work again on Monday afternoon and decided that rather than slogging through I'd go with the flow (good thing too, when I did get back to the office it was a buzz of activity that made it impossible to concentrate).

I decided that as much work as I've put into professional research activities, I've spent very little time doing research about other important areas of my life. I hoped a little inspiration would go a long way. I quickly realized why I don't spend much time reading this kind of stuff. Maybe it's just the marketing, but all the books were plastered with blurbs like "revolutionary, breakthrough, groundbreaking..THE ANSWER TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS." It just made me think of Tom Wait's "Step Right Up"

Change your shorts
change your life
change your life
Change into a nine-year-old Hindu boy

I did finally walk out with a few things, but after reading one of them in the course of two nights, I also realized that this is like sitting down and reading the PDR from cover to cover. I'm began to feel like I had the emotional equivalents of TB, black lung, and lepresy.

In fact, taken with a grain of salt, it's proving to be insightful and getting me to think about things in a different light.

The Wit

2005-07-26T10:30:00.000-05:00

the Wit
(65% dark, 30% spontaneous, 22% vulgar)

your humor style:
CLEAN | COMPLEX | DARK

You like things edgy, subtle, and smart. I guess that means you're
probably an intellectual, but don't take that to mean you're
pretentious. You realize 'dumb' can be witty--after all isn't that the
Simpsons' philosophy?--but rudeness for its own sake, 'gross-out' humor
and most other things found in a fraternity leave you totally flat.

I
guess you just have a more cerebral approach than most. You have the
perfect mindset for a joke writer or staff writer. Your sense of humor
takes the most effort to appreciate, but it's also the best, in my
opinion.

Also, you probably loved the Office. If you don't know what I'm
talking about, check it out here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/theoffice/.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Jon Stewart - Woody Allen - Ricky Gervais

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 75% on dark
You scored higher than 0% on spontaneous
You scored higher than 8% on vulgar

Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman

Blue Monday

2005-07-25T11:37:00.000-05:00

It occurred to me this morning that it has only been a little more than a month and half since I moved to Champaign. Denver seems like a lifetime ago. I feel like I have lived several lives since I got here and at the same time none at all. There are only a few more weeks to go before I have a real home here. My lack of a reference point is growing more disorienting every day.

I omitted something from my last post that has come back to haunt me. "...I realized this weekend that I have all my emotional eggs in one basket. I'm relying far too much on the comfort and care of the one person that's in my life right now. This isn't fair and it's not healthy for either of us. It's already caused anxiety for the both of us. While I wasn't thrilled when this happened I'm glad it did because it was a good slap to shake me out of my stupor...."

Apparently I'm still in a stupor or just stupid because I got another good whack this weekend that has me scared and afraid and feeling like the floor really is about to drop out from under me. It has me wondering why it is that I want to give so much of myself away to others. I have given to lovers, to friends and immense amounts in the name of career and work. I gave to my lover and she took it for granted. I ran into the arms of my career and buried myself in work. It took over my life and would have taken more if it had let it, so I launched in to the changes that brought me here. And now I've given too much too soon and have jeopardized a new love.

Why have I confounded giving of myself with giving to myself? How can I learn to give to myself instead of continuing this pattern?

I need to find balance and stability. I need to find my purpose and my direction.

As I have none of these now, I've scheduled a counseling appointment for next week. I've come too unhinged to find my way out of this alone.

Bottom feeder

2005-07-13T15:28:00.000-05:00

Since the end of February my life has been mostly chaos. End one relationship. Start new relationship. Pack. Move. End job. Pack. Move to the middle of nowhere. With little or no money. Live in temp housing with most of your touchstones locked in storage. I underestimated the impact of being a refugee and it has taken its toll. Despite all of the change I realized that I just stopped living parts of my life. I look forward to rebuilding some sort of foundation this fall that might hold through future upheavals.

Prior to making all these changes I was like a tightly compressed spring. Now the spring has sprung and I’m feeling totally unmotivated and directionless, despite the obvious need to get moving and meet expectations of my new position. Often when I’ve accepted a new position I’ve dove in with relish to my new responsibilities. Now I’m just listless. I don’t know what to do and even when I am working I feel like I’m moving in circles. I don’t feel that I’ve really accomplished a single thing in the few weeks I’ve been here. Much of it has been getting oriented to the project, but I still am not sure I understand out end mission and the outcomes of the project. So there’s the workday…

Finding an apartment here has been far more excruciating than I ever expected. The housing stock here is not nearly as diverse as a big city like Denver, and the good stuff was gone a long time ago. I’m sifting through the slumlord dregs trying to find something moderately reasonable. In the meantime I’m in a house with little besides my clothes and a mattress. I hadn’t expected that this would be a problem, but as I mentioned above it feels like there are just parts of my life that I’ve stopped living. Because of my transient housing situation I just go home to nothing and stare at the walls and play far too much solitaire on my PDA. I don’t know why this has caused me to shut down so badly, but it hasn’t helped the daily listlessness at work. There’s just more of it when I get home. I’m not even reading any more. I tried escaping to the movies over the weekend but then it’s back to the house to stare at the walls again. All the while trying convincing myself that this is OK, and when I get my own place I’ll start living again.

Between these two situations I’ve only added to my troubles by being particularly hard on myself. I feel like I’m fucking up the opportunities I was handed by not living up to the expectations that I think everyone had of me. The old anxieties of really being revealed as a fraud are rearing their ugly heads again and making me want to bury mine that much deeper in the sand, meaning I have less motivation to do anything, meaning I have more reason to beat myself up over not getting anything done. Welcome to the ever descending spiral.

The result is that I'm making more of an effort to establish myself here to life myself out of the funk. So far so good. I actually have plans for Friday night that don't involve staring at the walls. Also trying to recognize when I’ve established false assumptions about how to get things done and trying to work around them (see Tether below). If I actually can accomplish some things this weekend then I’ll feel better about this all.

Tether

2005-07-13T14:51:00.000-05:00

I recently realized how reliant I am on having a laptop computer. Since I left Denver I haven't had a computer of my own. Even if I did it would require going out to get to the internet. I also have realized that my reliance on a laptop is making me intellectually impotent. At least I’ve created the mental roadblock that this is true. In fact there's more I could be getting done if I simply pulled out a pad of paper and started writing long hand. Through access to the online resources I need for research is still a problem I could be printing out more and commenting by the old fashioned highlighter method.

To attempt to prove that I can circumvent these roadblocks I'm trying to write this from my PDA. I think I may just be proving my point. I can't compose on this thing. It's like thinking in slow motion really drunk. I guess Sr. St. Thomas is having her laughs in heaven at my attempts to get this thing to recognize my handwriting. Even my thumbs are too fat for the full screen keyboard. Makes me feel old and outdated with all these youngsters out there txting each other like mad (said with crotchety old man voice). It's not too bad for taking quick notes during a meeting, but actually trying to organize and create narritive feels impossible. May be with time it will become more natural.

Isn't that odd?

2005-07-08T22:56:00.000-05:00

This blog was previously found at http://libland.blogspot.com. I've decided to establish a separation of church and state between more professional ramblings and the mad ravings of a lunatic. In case your wondering, this is the lunatic side of the house.

I've also decided that I'm going to use this in an effort to overcome my previously mentioned writing anxieties, as a way to flesh out unformed ideas about where all of this is going, and as a way to just get things off my chest. So there it is.

So where did it come from? The Encoded Archival Description standard includes a tag to put everything that didn't fit in other buckets - therefore "other descriptive data." I can't help but think that this was some little joke among the developers of the standard. It has an archival sense of humor about it.

If you're really enamored with the idea see the store.

And on with the show...

Man in between

2005-05-31T23:45:00.000-05:00

This week I'm feeling like a man trapped between two worlds. Not surprising since in a week the world I've known for the last three years ends and the journey to a new life begins. I think my malaise is a combination of dispointment over leaving what might have been and aprehension about what might be. If I could make the next week disappear and be there in the new life tomorrow when I awake, I would do it in a heartbeat. I'm ready to start; shake the dust from my shoes and embrace this new way of being with all its unknown possibilities. Why the excitement has been replaced by sadness isn't entirely clear. When I made this decision, I joked that it was as difficult as leaving a partner. Now that feels all too true. The love is gone, yet I still have to pretend that it is here to meet my responsibilties over the next few days. There has been no break, no reprieve, no winding down. Full speed until the end and then it's over.

Tick Tock

2005-05-09T00:31:00.000-05:00

The hours left in this semester are quickly ticking down. Only a few more days left. And here I sit with my old friend, the writing anxiety monster. It's my fault, I left the closet door open and he crawled out and curled up right at the bottom of my stomach.

If I'm to seriously consider continuing on for a PhD I must find a way to tame him. I survived one masters and am half way through a second and he's still here. I've found so much confidence elsewhere in my life, why can't I find it here?

I decided to go out looking for answers on the net and am not sure why I was surprised by what I found.

"In other words, you're a clone of the Charlie Kaufman character in "Adaptation"-- bleary-eyed, unshaven, sleep-deprived, staring pathetically at the empty computer screen, hoping for inspiration and yearning for another cup of coffee, and maybe a nice banana-nut muffin. A dozen nagging, self-mocking thoughts echo in your head: You're untalented, a fraud. You're getting old and fat. No woman (or man) will ever want to sleep with you again. Your life is over."
http://www.right-writing.com/published-novelall.html

Why Graduate Students Can't Write: Implications of Research on Writing Anxeity for Graduate Education.
http://jac.gsu.edu/jac/2/Articles/11.htm
"There's always the fear," says Maya, a specialist in medieval literature who has worked intermittently on a dissertation over the past six years, "that you're not as good as you or your professors thought you were, and that the dissertation will reveal what you'd managed to conceal in your course papers—your ineptitude."

Everything else recommends walking away from what you are trying to write, getting some distance. Of course at this point that's a luxury I no longer have. I'm off to bed with these thoughts hanging over me. Maybe they'll sink in and I'll wake tomorrow with what I need to make it through this last hurdle of the semester.

Back to Basics

2005-04-26T21:18:00.000-05:00

Today I turned in my official letter of resignation for the job I've had for the last three years.
My last day will officially be June 6. - D-Day.

There's an increadible amount to wrap up, but in a little over a month I'll be on my way back to being a full time student again. I'm excited about the new opportunities that this will provide me; at the same time I'm terrified of the financial ramifications of this decision. I hope that things will sort themselves out in the end but I'm in for a bumpy ride at first.

I'm trying really hard not to over commit myself before I even start my new life. For at least the last six months I've officially been booked on grants at over 100% of my time - that doesn't include all of my non-grant activities and trying to take two classes over the internet (oh - and I taught a class in the middle of it all). I wonder how naive I'm being by assuming (hoping, needing!) that life will assume a more human pace once I'm back in school. I'm probably one of the few people on the planet thinking that going back to graduate school is a way to slow down.

Beyond the professional opportunties I'm really looking forward to joining a "community" again. My hectic schedule, relationship disasters, and just plain difficulty in making friends outside of work has meant a pretty unsatisfying existance. There are more than a few people where I'm headed ready to welcome me with open arms. While it may all be tied up with coursework or professional interests there's something different about argueing about metadata over drinks than around a confernce table. I got a little sample of this at a conference in San Diego a few weeks back. I'll be happy if I can get a regular helping of new friends and good company.

2005-04-20T15:52:00.000-05:00

Jacta alea est. (The die is cast.)

-Julius Caesar (100 BC - 44 BC), Suetonius' Divus Julius, XXXII

The Men That Don't Fit In

2005-04-19T01:54:00.000-05:00

It's midnight here and I'm wide awake again with little hope of getting to sleep anytime soon, not a disimilar state to last night when when I decided to launch this.

Tonight I stepped off the edge into the unknown abyss. Time to pack my bags, load up the car and head off into the sunrise. For most of my childhood my father always receited the following poem. I find myself walking around lately with it echoing in my head, feeling that it's become some prophesy I'm doomed to fulfill (at least the ranging and roving bits - to date I've been a very fortunate gypsy).

So with little to distract me ( I suppose I could spend the next few hours marking it up in TEI Lite and another few hours trying to create a remotely stylish stylesheet....) here it is:

The Men That Don't Fit In

There's a race of men that don't fit in,
A race that can't stay still;
So they break the hearts of kith and kin,
And they roam the world at will.
They range the field and they rove the flood,
And they climb the mountain's crest;
Theirs is the curse of the gypsy blood,
And they don't know how to rest.

If they just went straight they might go far;
They are strong and brave and true;
But they're always tired of the things that are,
And they want the strange and new.
They say: "Could I find my proper groove,
What a deep mark I would make!"
So they chop and change, and each fresh move
Is only a fresh mistake.

And each forgets, as he strips and runs
With a brilliant, fitful pace,
It's the steady, quiet, plodding ones
Who win in the lifelong race.
And each forgets that his youth has fled,
Forgets that his prime is past,
Till he stands one day, with a hope that's dead,
In the glare of the truth at last.

He has failed, he has failed; he has missed his chance;
He has just done things by half.
Life's been a jolly good joke on him,
And now is the time to laugh.
Ha, ha! He is one of the Legion Lost;
He was never meant to win;
He's a rolling stone, and it's bred in the bone;
He's a man who won't fit in.